In Support of Empathy
 
While I was reading some of the posts on Facebook this week, I came across a post which criticized empathy claiming that empathy is ruining our children attending public education schools.  According to the post, schools which taught discipline and individualism have been diluted in applying empathy instead.  I am aware that there is a lot of negative press against public education that was emphasized by an executive order signed that will shut down the Department of Education to reduce federal spending. I want to raise my hand in support of empathy.  After spending over fifteen years in the classroom as a classroom and special education teacher, I have found empathy useful.  Empathy is a way to build rapport with students, can reduce confrontations, and shows a genuine interest in each student.

First, we must define what empathy is.  I use a rather obscure metaphor to illustrate what I believe empathy is.  Empathy is not throwing a rope down to someone who is trapped in a well. Empathy is jumping in the well and spending a few moments with that person.  This is part of that feel-good philosophy that is being heavily criticized. Many people see my metaphor as just another hokey Kumbaya strategy to make our heads numb.  We don’t need someone going around preaching about this stuff.  But before we throw the baby out with the bathwater, I wish to add some of the things I have learned in my experience as a teacher.

In my annual evaluations, my principle always mentioned that one of my strengths was building a rapport with my students and if possible, their parents or guardians.  To build that rapport, I needed to use an empathetic approach. My daughter struggled with a learning disability in school.  Because of her disability, she did not receive the education I felt she needed.  Diagnosed with severe dyslexia, she struggled to make sense of the material she was given to read.  As a result, she does not care to read.  Reading is an essential skill needed in post-secondary vocations whether in college or a vocational program.

With empathy, you begin to build a rapport with the student that communicated you really do care about what they are learning and if they are really meeting the learning objectives.  This takes time and effort and most teachers I have worked with were willing to put that time and effort in.  Even with empathy, sometimes the student will not get the results you were hoping for.  Instead of giving up, you use another strategy to help them. 
What you do not want to do is blame the students for their poor results.  Sometimes you call the parents and find out some of the behaviors their children display at home.  Many times, I would use the annual Individual Education Plan (IEP) as required by the Individual with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA).  The purpose of this meeting is to communicate with the parent(s) to see what can be done in the classroom to overcome the disability.  There are many teaching techniques we used that did not cost money but could improve the students’ skills. We had to get to know our students to find solutions that would work.

There are a lot of methods to build rapport with students that include recognizing them for reaching a goal or an academic achievement.  Students who are in special education with an IEP want to be considered capable of learning in the same classroom as their peers.  Not a single student I worked with wanted everyone to know he or she was on an IEP.  When my daughter reached her junior year, she transferred to another school.  To do so, I had to terminate her IEP, which I did.  She graduated in 2013 along with her peers. I did this because not a single teacher had reached out to make a connection.  When she told me some of the things that happened, I was gob smacked this had happened to her.  If we want our students to be successful, we must build rapport with them.  It is essential.

Confrontations are a bump classroom management, because a teacher must get the student back to where rational thought can take place once again.  When a student escalates to where the student feels unsafe and threatened by something in the classroom, a teacher will usually suspend the instruction and try to de escalate the unsafe situation.  When a student feels he or she has reached the point where their safety is at risk, he or she will use the only option available.  Until the situation is resolved, the teacher will have to bring the student’s heightened emotional state is brought back to where rational thought is sustained.  Very often these confrontations occur for reasons that have nothing to do with what’s going on in the classroom. 
A student may enter your classroom after a disagreement with a parent or another teacher.  If the teacher had taken the time to build a trust with the student through rapport, the student will feel safe quicker as long as the teacher remains calm. 

I had a new student come into my classroom.  Her initial interaction was confrontative from the start.  Being a military school, there were rules for student conduct that included tardiness.  One morning she was twenty minutes late for class.  I asked her for a hall pass, and she became confrontative.  My reaction was not cool or calm and we immediately became argumentative. Later I was able to take the student aside and found out that her ride to school had not shown up.  When I talked to another teacher, I found out she had been abandoned by her mother when she was about ten years old at a convenience store.  Her mom just drove away leaving her behind.  Knowing this put a whole different spin on the morning’s confrontation.  I did not excuse her for her behavior, but I found that I would use a softer tone when dealing with her.  Never once have I declared that a student should be excused from his or her misbehavior, but I try to keep my classroom a safe place for all students even if the student’s behavior is not up to expectations.  Confrontations often reflect a mistake or lack of proper classroom management that affects the rest of the students’ opportunity to learn.  Even effective teachers may have a confrontation, but resolving these problems quickly will make students feel safer in your classroom.

I tell my students that I will learn as much from them as they will learn from me.  This always draws a chuckle, because most students have never heard a teacher tell them that.   It’s all part of empathy and building rapport.  When students begin to trust you, they will approach you with their concerns and problems.  Some problems will need you to report the situation, but most of the time help them sort through their emotions.  Students are not only learning the finer points of your lessons, but they are also learning to navigate the social aspects of school.  If they have learned to trust you, they will confide in you.  I have never turned a student away.  I try to make time for them and may ask them to come back later when I have the time to actively listen to them. 

Early in the semester, I would have a “get to know me” assignment that they would have to present orally.  In this assignment I would learn about what interests they had and what were liked to do after school.  I would use this to frame who they were.  While most from the past few years were avid video gamers, I would make sure I asked what their favorite game was. Some of the students were into sports and since I have been a coach of many different youth sports, we would have a brief discussion about what position they played or how they felt they played and so on. It was one of my favorite assignments to start off the semester and helped me understand who I had sitting in my classroom.

While building a rapport with my students whenever I could, I was very careful to keep clear boundaries.  I never went on social media with them.  I never sent them texts.  I never asked them for their address or phone number (even though I did have access to that information). I never asked personal questions. If they wanted to talk about their brothers and sisters, I made sure that the discussion was appropriate for the rest of the classroom.  I did have access to information about important family situations such as custody and who was allowed to receive academic information such as grades.
It has always been important for me to use a bit of empathy when I am trying to build a connection with a student.  I make it clear that if they do not feel comfortable disclosing information, I will not pursue the matter.  There are times when you must find out information that you have to report to Child Protective Services because of a situation over the safety and welfare of the child.  In one case I had to fill out a CPS report on a student who had been abused.  I did not like making the report, but I did keep in mind that if I did not the safety of that student would be jeopardized.

Empathy can sometimes dig into your own emotions.  Six years ago, I had a student whose parents asked me to keep him from getting in trouble at a parent-teacher conference.  I promised the parents I would do my best.  I found out they had adopted the young man from Eastern Europe.  He was also the kicker for one of the high schools in the area.  He was very proud of his position as place-kicker.

He was not a very attentive student since language arts was not his forte, but he did his best.  I had a heater that he would take and put it by his desk.  My classroom was all windows, and I felt bad that he needed to keep warm. I did not need the heater, so I did not see any reason why he couldn’t stay warm using it.

In early October I heard about an accident between a student vehicle and a semi.  The entrance ramp was tricky and the student driving the car thought the truck was going to enter the highway but instead went straight.  The car was mangled, resting underneath the semi. The next morning the principal came into my classroom to tell me my student had been killed in the accident.  The principal stayed to console me as tears flooded my eyes. 
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The high school had a memorial game which I attended.  While I was standing with the other teachers, his father came up to me.  He shook my hand and told me, “Thank you for all you did for him. I appreciate it.”  There is a memorial at the freeway entrance that I had to drive by every day on my way home. 
In conclusion, I feel that we need empathy to prove we are human. 

​If we let empathy leak out of us, we lose some of the critical elements of our humanity.  I admit, I cry at some movies and even commercials because I believe that empathy has made me a better teacher and person.  I feel bad that there are people out there who have given up on empathy and do not feel the emotions others feel.  I stand with those who are going through some rough days.  I will celebrate empathy because it helps me build connections with other human beings who have gone through some of the things I have encountered.  If I connect with someone who believes empathy is a waste, I will stand by my convictions without voicing hostilities over their perspective.  I will also use my empathy to find out different ways to connect with other people who have some of the same interests as mine (such as music and writing).  I will not give up on empathy.  I will continue to support it as I continue on in my journey of life.